Does Your Husband…?

It always starts out innocent enough. “Our last pastor’s wife was the (unpaid) church secretary. Does your husband know how to use a computer?”

“No,” is my patient reply, “he doesn’t even have email."

“Our last pastor’s wife played the piano for worship every Sunday. Does your husband play the piano?”

“No,” I continue, “but he does like to beat drum sticks on an oatmeal box.”

How many times have I been through this in new congregation? “No, my husband cannot direct the choir or teach Bible study or head up the church bazaar. No, he won’t be staffing the church nursery or taking charge of the youth group. No, he won’t be redecorating the bulletin boards or keeping the kitchen stocked with coffee for Sunday morning fellowship.”

Maybe single pastors never get this, but for some reason, many churches expect the pastor’s spouse to serve the church as part of the pastor’s salary. Perhaps there was a time when every pastor’s wife had the time and energy and inclination (though I seriously doubt it) to be unpaid servants of the church, but if there ever was such a time, that time has most certainly come and gone.

When the bishop appoints me to a church, my husband will go with me, but no church should expect him to an unpaid assistant who picks up all the responsibilities I am not able to take on. He will be a faithful church member who attends worship and study groups and an occasional church bazaar, but he does not wish to be in charge of anything at the church.

Women have been ordained as pastors in the Methodist tradition for more than fifty years, yet for some reason, churches do no know what to do with a pastor’s husband. It is bad enough when the problem occurs in a small rural church. It is even worse when it occurs in a large suburban church (experienced with clergy couples) that could not understand how their female pastor could be married to anyone except another pastor.

Unfortunately, our worst experience with came at a gathering for clergy spouses hosted by the bishop’s wife during annual conference. The event was announced well in advance, and clergy spouses were required to preregister in order to attend. The invitation announced that the event would include a meal, entertainment and special gifts for all the spouses.

When my husband arrived for the event, he was surprised to receive a gift bag filled with women’s cosmetics! He was not the only man in attendance, and after some quick scrambling, the host did manage to put together some more gender appropriate gift bags, but the damage had already been done. Now my husband jokingly introduces himself as “the pastor’s wife.”

I am not sure what kind of paradigm shift it will take for the United Methodist Church to live into the reality that women are pastors and men can be clergy spouses. Until that time comes, my husband will be skipping the clergy spouse gatherings and simply trying to be accepted as another member of a local congregation.

Bev Marshall-Goodell worked at The University of Iowa for 19 years conducting research, teaching and directing the Women in Science and Engineering Program before accepting a call to ordained ministry in 1998. She received her M.Div. from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary in 2001, and served at Aroma Park UMC in Aroma Park, Ill,  and Ankeny First UMC in Ankeny, Iowa, before being appointed to Grace UMC in Tiffin, Iowa, in 2004.

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